Christmas
Well, it's Christmastime, pretty baby
And the snow is falling on the ground
Christmas
Got no sleigh with reindeer
No sack on my back
You're gonna see me coming
In a big, black Cadillac
Oh, it's Christmastime, pretty baby
And the snow is falling on the ground
Mrs Claus is hot!
Well, you've been a real good lover...
My name is Samantha Caine.
At least, I think it is.
You might not believe it to look at me,
but I was born only 8 years ago
on a beach in New Jersey.
I entered the world fully grown,
wearing clothes I don't remember buying.
In the back pocket a single key, filed blank and faceless.
A fitting metaphor, but no help whatsoever. None.
Sometimes I stand naked in the mirror,
try to guess my age.
35, maybe? I have lots of scars.
They call my condition focal retrograde amnesia.
It's no picnic, but I've learned to live with it.
I've got a job I love, been seeing someone
nice guy, good sense of humour.
Oh, mad dogs. Mad dogs.
Hal, I got to tell you.
Of all the Christmas pageants I've ever seen,
this was by far the most recent.
For God's sakes, Sam, I've got teenage girls
playing the Three Wise Men.
What did you expect?
Teenage boys?
I thought they did fine.
It was the first nativity where Joseph stares
at the wise men's tits all night.
Her name is Caitlin,
and when I woke up on that long-ago day,
I was 2 months pregnant with her.
I don't know who her father is. I may never.
I just know she's mine.
His name is Mr Perkins.
My mom named him for me.
Caitlin! Come help in the kitchen!
That's her.
That's who?
Her mom. She's got amnesia.
Swear?
Swear.
Too weird.
Hello, girls.
Caitlin, come help me in the kitchen.
Hurry up, because I forget where it is.
More sugar!
Have a Christmas party night
A mistletoe song for you to sing
With a couple trills to start
Raymond!
If I catch you smoking again,
they'll never find the body.
Do you understand?
Have a cookie.
Attention, attention, s'il vous plat.
As the year draws to a close,
I would like to share with you
just a few things about myself,
things of which I am especially proud.
First, I'm proud to say that I don't smoke,
I don't drink, and I don't swear.
Oh, shit, I do smoke and drink.
Hal!
Block your ears.
Our dear friends, may the best of your past
be the worst of your future.
I'll drink to that.
Take a bow, my dear. Take a bow.
We got the mistletoe.
Oh, sweetie.
Eight years...
Except for my name, all traces are lost.
I used to hire expensive detectives.
Now I'm down to the cheap ones. Doesn't seem to matter.
The woman I was, the one I used to be, she's gone.
I've kissed her goodnight.
Police!
Don't move!
What the hell is this?
Don't give me attitude, sir.
See, you're assuming I won't shoot your sorry ass,
and everyone knows, when you make an assumption,
you make an ass out of "u" and "mption".
Now, I'm Sergeant Madigan, Vice,
and if you do cop a 'tude, jerk-off,
I wilI see to it you spend the next 10 years
in prison getting ass-fucked.
If the case is thrown out 'cause my arrest was too violent,
I will personally hire men to ass-fuck you for 10 years.
So if you're an ass-fucking fan,
you go ahead and mouth off.
Meanwhile, you're under arrest for the crime of prostitution.
Officer Donlevy, read him his rights.
What?
His rights.
You have the remight... you have the right to remain silent.
And... anything you say and do
will be held against you...
Hey, you got to listen to me, man. I got a wife.
I've never... This is the first time
I've ever done this, I swear to God.
Sir. Sir! Listen to me.
I can see from your choice here you're not a wealthy man.
Now, in light of the damage this arrest could do to you,
I think we might be able to make some kind of arrangement.
Oh, God!
Got to stop using bums.
Forget that. They looked like cops.
We pulled it off, didn't we?
It was embarrassing.
You want me to hire actors, for chrissake?
These guys are cheap. They work for food.
When they puke all over you, is that like a refund?
Oh, oh, Trin,
I'm pissing myself here you're so funny.
What's this?
I got movement on Samantha Caine.
You're kidding.
Nope. I may have a lead on someone
who rented the amnesia chick an apartment back in '87.
They stilI have some of her stuff.
Get out of here! Where'd that come from?
Lucky break. Old lady just died,
and one of her asshole grandkids
found a credit card in a shoe box
with the name Samantha Caine on it.
Tried to use it at Nordstrom's.
OK, here's what we do.
You get on the phone to amnesia chick.
Tell her we need more cash.
Oh, the weather outside is frightful...
Hey, that was a really swell party.
Thanks again for the ride.
You and Hal, you've been together now, what?
A couple of years?
How often do you two, uh...
Stick our fingers inside our hands and pull them out again?
Every chance we get.
Earl, do me a favour. Every few words, have some bubbles
come out of your mouth and say, "Hiccup".
God damn it, I am not drunk!
I'll prove it to you.
Hey, come on.
Hey! Stop that!
I'm sorry!
And the fire is slowly dying
And my dear, we're still good-byeing
But as long as you love me so
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow
And so much for the skydiving Santa
of Hutchinson County.
Meanwhile, WICC News
journeyed to Honesdale today, where Santa's own Mrs Kringle
turned out to celebrate her hubby's worldwide tour.
And after one look at her,
I'm thinking Santa got what he really wanted this Christmas.
The parade included floats and participants from 4 counties.
Everyone enjoyed themselves,
especially the young and the young at heart.
Up next...
Got to be fuckin' kidding!
No!
No fuckin' way!
It's impossible!
No!
So you rest up.
I'll see you in the morning.
Sweet dreams.
I want a cigarette.
I don't smoke.
You used to.
See how easy it comes back?
I'm coming back.
You know that, don't you?
Name's Charly, by the way.
You're going to love me.
Now, this is the intergalactic slammer
the jail, all right?
Now, this guy here, this is the borium dude.
He's kind of like a dinosaur.
This is his escape chute right here.
He's mean, quick, and he don't take no shit, either.
He can shoot at the guards with his arrow.
Ching! Ching! Ching! It's cool, huh?
Todd, time for dinner.
Now.
Guess you'd better go in.
Hey, hope you like the toy.
It's awesome.
Dad, mom... she gets weird.
Like on my birthday
when you gave me that Schwinn,
she called the bicycle store
to see if there's been any robberies.
Look, tell her I don't steal them locally, all right?
Man.
Sorry, but I can't take this.
You know how Mom will get.
Guess I'll see you.
Yeah. All right.
How do you like that?
Yo, Trin. Me. What's up?
Ready to be happy?
Yeah.
Remember the landlady I told you about?
The Caine woman was her favourite tenant.
Then one day, the tenant never comes home.
Old lady so sad she can't throw away amnesia chick's shit.
It's pay dirt, Mitch.
Got an old postcard, never mailed.
Woman telling everyone she just got engaged.
Samantha's handwriting. Perfect match.
She was engaged to some guy in Jersey.
No phone number, just an address.
Holy shit! Score!
Trin, sweetheart, that's worth time and a half.
Double, Mitch. I made us look good.
Her other P.I.s couldn't find dick.
Of course not. Took a true dick-hound like yourself.
Tell Miss Caine I'm coming to see her tonight.
Honey, you have an E.T.A. on that carrot?
Stow it.
Maybe you should just take it with you to school tomorrow.
You're killing me. You're so funny.
Here. Here. Give me the knife.
No! I'm going to cut this carrot, and you're going to
eat the blood-soaked pieces and like it. Piss off.
Hon?
Yeah?
Look at something, will you?
What the hell...
I used to do this!
I'm a chef! Yahoo!
Look what she's doing here.
Give me something else.
Quick. Anything. Anything.
Here. Here.
Go, man, go. I'm hot to trot.
Look at this.
Look at this woman go.
More.
Pepper! Pepper!
Look at this!
More! More!
Scallions! Here. Give her scallions.
Scallions!
One more tomato.
Look at this. Look at this woman.
She's amazing!
Chefs do that.
Timothy, I know you're going to kill me, man.
I know you're going to kill me.
Please use the gun, not the knife.
As a favour to me, I'm begging you.
God damn it, how can I tell the feds
about the fuckin' Honeymoon thing?
I don't know a fuckin' thing about it.
No, you don't.
I don't know a fuckin' thing.
You know, I can tell when someone's lying to me.
What's so fucking important?
Remember your old colleague,
one-eyed Jack?
Yeah. He's doing
2 days after seeing something on TV that "disturbed" him.
I saw it, too. It's called Baywatch Nights.
You want to get to the fucking point?
While under sedation, he said Charly Baltimore's alive, sir.
Daedalus is understandably concerned.
He was under the impression that you disposed of her 8 years ago.
I know it's highly unlikely, but if she were alive,
I'm thinking she might be in contact
with the old man in Massachusetts.
Tap his phone.
Tell Daedalus I'm on my way. Timothy out.
I can't see Mr Perkins.
He's there.
He's on the sled. See him?
He's watching you.
He's very excited.
Oh, that's better.
Ready to try it alone?
I want you to hold my hand.
Oh, just pretend I am.
You can do it. Piece of cake.
Here we go. Ready?
Mom, it won't work, I swear.
Sure, it will!
You're one of the X-Men. You're tough.
Ready? Let's go. 3, 2, 1, go!
Wait! I'm not ready!
Keep going! Keep going! Keep going!
I can't do it. I want to go home.
Look, I know you're afraid.
That's the whole point. Can't you see that?
Stop being a little baby and get up.
I can't skate any more. My wrist hurts.
Life is pain. Get used to it!
See, you will skate all the way to the shore, princess,
and you will not fall again.
Am I understood?
I'm just guessing, but this is a tree house.
I think you wanted a doghouse.
Little joke.
She said that her wrist hurt.
I didn't know it was fractured.
I don't remember...
what I said to her.
I can't remember.
No!
For God's sake, I'm not going to hurt you.
It's not me I'm worried about.
Their harps of gold...
Peace on the Earth, goodwill to men
From heaven's all-gracious king
The world in solemn stillness lay
To hear the angels sing
It came upon the midnight clear
Good evening, Charly.
Long time.
Mommy!
Mommy! Help!
I want my eye back, bitch!
No!
Chefs do that.
Caitlin!
We have to find Caitlin!
Caitlin!
Caitlin! No!
Slow down. Your kid's OK. She's in my car.
Jesus! What the hell's going on here?
Freeze!
Don't hurt him!
Don't shoot!
Yeah, don't shoot, like she said!
Call an ambulance!
This man, he's going to help me find out some things
so we'll be safe. You understand?
When will you be back home?
Before you know it, I swear.
I want you to keep a candle burning in the window for me.
That's called keeping a vigil. OK?
That's to light my way home.
Here.
This is to my portable phone.
I keep it with me.
You call me any time.
OK?
Why don't you keep this?
For luck.
Let's have Mr Perkins wear it.
There. See?
You do what you have to...
But, Sam...
The person you used to be...
Whatever you find... I'm not scared.
I never will be, not ever.
Thank you.
Mr Perkins, you lost one of your agents,
whose training included, among other things, assassination.
Now she turns up as belle of the Christmas parade.
Well, that information is two weeks old, Mr President.
To my knowledge, Charlene Baltimore died
in my employ, relic of the Cold War,
the kind of violent operative
that has since been eliminated from our ranks.
You recruited this woman?
For Chapter, sir. In the late seventies,
her father was a friend of mine...
Stop that. I don't want to hear that stuff.
Intelligence community, you people are unbelievable.
You dump a mess like this in my lap,
and then come whining to me and say, "Where is our funding?"
Well, I'll tell you where it is.
Can you say health care?
I'm not talking about moving in
And I don't want to change your life
But there's a warm wind blowing the stars around
And I'd really love to see you tonight
Really love to see you tonight
I'm not talking about the linen
And I don't want to change your life
Moving in.
What?
It's, uh... It's, uh...
The song's not about linen. It's not linen.
Yeah. Whatever. So, you cold?
Yeah. Freezing.
Turn on the heat.
It doesn't work, but it makes a very annoying noise,
distracts from the cold.
I'll pass. Thanks.
Who knew I had an old fianc?
And now we're just going to pay a surprise visit?
Well, there are no bells or whistles going off
because I don't remember any of this stuff.
Oh, jeez, that's too bad,
because that's the cream of the crop, believe me.
I forgot to ask:
why is it that you got so far?
Say what?
Well, I mean, you seem kind of low-rent. No offence.
None taken. Really.
I was about to... hey!
Hey, now!
Whoa! Shit!
Are you OK? Is your neck all right?
You don't have any whiplash or anything?
I'm just, since you almost just ran us off the road,
I'm wondering what it is
that you take away from an experience like that.
I'm sure that it's very enriching in some way,
and I know that she was probably very moved
by having some asshole hang out the window and go, "Woohoo!"
I didn't hang out the window and go, "Woo woo woo!"
I checked out her form, OK?
If it's any consolation, you got her beat hands down.
Really?
Yeah, from the neck up.
This is exciting.
You saw her tits. It's so neat.
Look, it's a guy thing, all right?
Hey, you got a nice body and all,
but those, you could see them coming around the corner.
You got time to comb your hair. Shit.
What's that?
Charly was my name in the dream.
"To Charly. Love, Nathan".
Nathan J. Waldman, PhD.
All right. Let's find a phone.
Found one.
Find his number.
Take the stand.
I got it. Now what'll I do with it?
Sit down!
Alice, please.
Your dog, Alice.
It and my appetite are mutually exclusive.
What's wrong with the dog?
It's simple.
He's been licking his asshole
for the last 3 straight hours.
I submit to you that there is nothing there
worth more than an hour's attention,
and I should think that whatever he is attempting to dislodge
is either gone for good or there to stay.
Wouldn't you agree?
Yes. Hello.
Mr Waldman? Um, I got your number
from a realtor in Massachusetts,
and I'd just like to speak to you.
Who is this?
You tell me, Mr Waldman.
Charly.
My full name, please.
God.
It's really you.
Chapter... they think you're dead. Everyone thinks you're...
My full name, please!
You don't know your name?
Your full name is Charlene Elizabeth Baltimore.
Don't talk, Charly. Just listen.
You could be in danger. Understand?
We must meet. We must meet straightaway.
Where are you now?
Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania.
We'll meet halfway.
There's a town in New Jersey, Chestermon.
Tomorrow, Central Train Station, at 11 a. m.
Meet me. I'll tell you everything.
Signal Daedalus.
We got her.
Some what?
Curry brand cat food.
Hey, could you spell that for me, please?
Yeah. Curry brand.
All this shit is the same, anyway.
Oh, yeah? You don't have a cat, by any chance?
What do I need a cat for? I got a girl.
Yeah. Pussy's pussy.
You got a girl, I got a cat.
It's the long good-bye
And it happens every day
When some passerby...
Can I stay up for Rugrats?
What? I lost you.
Rugrats. I want to stay up.
Yes, you can stay up for Rugrats.
Oh, good. I'm going to go now.
All right. Mommy loves you.
I love you, too.
Big kiss.
Bye, Mom.
Putting my glasses in my pocket
Da da da da da
Put the jacket on the chair
Da da da da da
I, um... sing the things I do, you know,
so I won't forget.
Like, uh...
Da da da da da
Turning off the downstairs light
Da da da da da
Before I go to bed at night
Da da da da da
Shit.
I can't take this fucking waiting!
Excuse me. Do you normally curse this much?
I didn't...
What, are you a Mormon?
Yes, I'm a Mormon.
That's why I just smoked a pack of Newport
and drank three vodka tonics.
What I'm saying is,
back when we first met,
you were all like, "Oh, phooey.
I burned the darn muffins".
Now, you go into a bar,
10 minutes later, sailors come running out.
What up with that?
Thanks for sharing.
Mind your own damn business.
While you're at it, if you're going to smoke inside,
close the damn door.
No!
Hey, I heard you screaming.
Shit!
Henessey, I didn't know about the gun.
I wasn't hiding things. I swear!
God damn it! Stop walking.
I'm going home.
And so are you!
I paid you!
Well, here. Here. Take your money. Take it!
I can't go home
until I know why that man tried to kill me.
I'm trapped!
It's like I'm in god-damn prison.
Do you know how that feels?
Yeah!
Yeah, I know exactly what that's like.
4 years inside, Marion, lllinois.
A real shit-hole.
And I'm not going back!
Many rivers to cross
But I can't seem to find
My way over
Seven years ago, I was an Atlanta cop.
Me and my partner handled a lot of impounded shit.
That motherfucker hated me.
I forget why, but he did.
One weekend, when he was conveniently away,
some bonds disappeared from his office.
Lo and behold, when my brothers in blue
responded to an anonymous tip,
you'll never guess what they found sitting in my closet.
The bonds.
Your partner put them there.
Oh, no, no, no. I did.
I stole the damn things.
I never did one thing right in my life,
you know that?
Not one.
That takes skill.
Such a drag to be on your own
My woman left, and she didn't say why
You just missed our exit.
Mm-hmm. Give me back my money.
Oh. So you...
I'm taking you to the train station, yes,
to meet Mr Waldman.
Oh. There you go. Merry Christmas.
Bah, humbug. Look out the window and shut up.
There'll be times I find myself...
You know we're about
Got a bad feeling about this.
Da da da da da
Putting the keys in my left pocket
Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm
Gun in the right-hand side
It makes a bulge. People can see.
You want me to stick it in my pants and shoot my dick off?
Now you're a sharpshooter?
Da da da da da
Going to shake hands with the man
How you doing?
Hi.
That's for you.
Another in a long line
of bad personal investments.
Excuse me?
I just saw the ring on your finger.
Do I know you from somewhere?
Ooh, back up. Total pick-up line.
Forget I said it. I take it back.
Thank you for the beer, but I don't know you. No.
No... you don't.
Uh... I can tell when someone's lying to me.
I am sorry to have bothered you.
Yours?
Yeah.
Who's your boyfriend?
Oh, some guy.
OK, people. I got what I need.
Move in. Do them both.
Hey. That man walking this way.
Is that him?
I think so.
Mr Waldman?
Gun!
Jesus wept!
Let's go, Ms Caine! We got to get to the car.
This way! This way!
Come on! Come on!
Go! Go!
No! No! Come on.
Shit! There's more.
No! No! This way!
Come on! Come on!
Come on, OK? Come on! Damn it! Come on up!
Oh, shit!
Here. Here. Take this. Take it. Take it.
All right. I got 3 shots left in this revolver.
You got a full clip. Just point and spray, OK?
Yeah.
And...
Fuck it! Run for your life!
There's no way out!
That's a three-storey drop!
Are you crazy?
What happened?
I saved your ass. It was great.
Come on. We got to get to the car!
Come on! This way! This way!
Come on. Come on.
Get down! Get down!
Get in, both of you. Now!
I said now!
We jumped out of a building!
Yes. It was very exciting.
Tomorrow, we go to the zoo.
You're Waldman.
No, I'm the Hills brothers' bean buyer.
Who else would I be? Hang on.
Look, if you want me to talk in front of him,
you may be asked to kill him later.
It works for me. Your call.
Fire out the back if you have to.
Jesus, old man. How many of those things you got?
Three. One shoulder, one hip,
and one here next to Mr Wally
where most patdowns never reveal it,
as an agent's often reluctant
to feel up another man's groin.
Any other questions?
Yeah. What's the weather like on your planet?
Charlene, my darling.
My name is Samantha. Samantha Caine.
No, no, no! Forget all that.
That schoolteacher business was your cover.
Do you hear me, Charly? Do you hear what I'm saying?
Your memory was gone. You got confused.
You bought your own cover.
It was a fantasy, for Christ's sake!
Samantha Caine never existed.
You wrote the bloody thing.
No. It's not a fantasy! I'm in the god-damn PTA!
Then quit! You're an assassin
working for the United States government.
I ought to know. I trained you.
Get the fuck out of here.
Assassin?
Your father was in the Royal Irish Rangers
assigned to Belfast.
After he was murdered there in 1975,
his friend Perkins adopted you,
or perhaps I should say recruited you,
to work for Chapter, a black bag operation
working from the U.S. State Department.
You getting this?
October 1988.
You're assigned to take out a munitions dealer named Daedalus
and his hired enforcer Timothy.
You failed to complete your mission,
electing instead to die, of all things,
despite clear orders to the contrary.
And dead you remained until, without preamble,
you re-emerge eight years later
and a good deal frumpier.
Anyhow, I think we can safely assume
that Daedalus is aware of your resurrection
and attempting to reverse it.
He'll be watching the police, watching the hospitals.
We must stay away. Understand?
Yes, Mr Henessey? Can I help you?
Henessey, what is it?
It's a setup. It's got to be.
Put that down. This is not an episode of television.
Those guys back there at the train station,
how'd they know we'd be there?
Impossible, unless Waldman here told them.
I did nothing of the kind!
They tapped your phone.
I know it sounds preposterous...
They just happened to know we'd be calling?
Get in the car.
All right.
See here, my friend...
Oh, shit!
Oh! Shit!
Get in the car, now!
So how about it?
Do you believe any of that crap
that guy said back there?
Oh, I don't... no!
The guy was a lunatic.
We got to talk to someone else.
You thinking what I'm thinking?
I hope not, because I'm thinking
how much my balls hurt.
But if you're talking about that postcard,
I don't want to meet any more of your old friends.
We need some answers, or we're going to die.
I... saw you from the road.
I... I think your name is Luke,
and... I think I was going to marry you.
Charly?
Oh, baby.
Oh, man.
Luke.
What...
She's my only daughter,
and I don't quite trust you yet.
So, what about it?
You and Mr Outdoors here bump pelvis?
It's possible.
How about your daughter?
What's her name? Cat head?
Caitlin.
You think he might be the father, huh?
I don't know. I don't know.
But all these little details about him are coming back.
I'm remembering things about him.
Like what?
Is this America's Funniest Practical Videos
or something?
Keep your fucking hands where I can see them.
I had an itch.
Charly, this is crazy.
You and me, we were like...
Don't you remember? Hell, you pursued me.
I know that he has a pin in his leg. Car accident.
I know he cuts his own hair.
He doesn't even own a TV.
He sits down when he pees...
That's enough. I'm getting a boner here, all right?
Henessey, I know this man, OK?
I must have been seeing him.
Let me talk to him. Alone.
Now, when I was a young boy...
I'm sorry. You want to take a walk?
My mother said I would be
The greatest man alive
Da da da da da
Got me a handgun
Da da da da da
Got a rifle, too
Da da da da da
Anybody fucks with Mitch
He knows just what to do
'Cause I'm a bad motherfucker
Stay quiet and drop the rifle.
How'd you find us?
There may be many reasons not to kill you,
but among them is not that you'll be missed by NASA.
I found the address in your coat.
Here.
Between the address of a topless bar
and the picture of what looks like a man's penis.
That's a duck, not a dick.
The man she's with. Who is he?
He's a former fianc. His name's Luke.
Former fianc?
That's ridiculous! She was never engaged.
For Christ's sake, I just went through this with her.
She knows how the man pees.
Look at him. He's cool.
A former fianc.
Why on earth would she think that?
We found a note that's in her handwriting.
She saw a note?
Who are you, William Shatner?
Calm down. A note to her uncle.
Max?
Yeah.
Uncle Max,
that's the agency, you blithering idiot!
And the word engage means she's locked on to the target.
Fuck!
He's not her former lover, he's a target?
Yes. That's why she knows personal things about him.
She studied the bastard to assassinate him!
Stop!
Charly!
Stop! He's Daedalus!
Get out of there! It's him!
Run, Charly!
Well, howdy there.
If it isn't the forgetful spy.
How you feeling?
You're the man from the bar.
Would you look at her? She's not faking it.
She doesn't know me from Adam.
It's not that I don't trust my compadre here, Major Baltimore.
In fact, I had every confidence
that your amnesia was genuine
until you showed up here.
You follow?
I'm trying to pull off the biggest job of my career,
so you see, darling,
I have to know how much about me you really remember
and who you told.
I haven't told a soul. I swear.
We'll soon know.
What is this? Some kind of torture thing?
Torture, yes.
A woman's face never looks quite so beautiful
as when it's distended in pain.
Witness the beauty of childbirth.
Untie me, and I'll make any face you want.
Let's not and say we did.
Take a deep breath. We're going to do the torture thing.
Operation Honeymoon's on schedule.
I've secured the tanker.
Now I just got to make the soup.
I'll follow as soon as I'm done here.
10 minutes in this cold water,
she'll be insane or dead.
Five minutes. She'll tell me everything I need.
That's right.
Take all the air you can.
If you need to vomit, do it now.
So, you...
don't remember anything at all?
Best night of your fucking life.
I say drown the wench.
Talk to me, Major.
Is my identity safe?
My name is Samantha Caine.
Answer the question.
Who knows about me?
Nobody. Fuck you!
Fuck you!
I hate to see you like this, Charly.
I heard you were a hell of a spy once.
Watch your back.
I'm not done yet.
Good night.
OK. I'll signal Daedalus.
Your money will be waiting.
Jack? Jack.
Jack!
Do yourself a favour, man. Don't let her looks fool you.
She's the Energizer fucking bunny.
Just do her and dump her.
Don't try to get cute
and play doctor first.
I made that mistake. It nearly killed me.
Motherfucker!
Daedalus...
I'll make you a deal.
Let me go now, and I'll leave you the use of your legs.
Why have you resurfaced?
Is it Operation Honeymoon? Is that it?
Who sent you?
Why are you here?
I let you touch me, cowboy.
I think I need a bath.
Samantha, please.
Who's Samantha?
Where's Henessey?
No one told me about her
The way she lied
Well, no one told me about her
How many people cried
But it's too late to say you're sorry
How would I know? Why should I care?
Please don't bother trying to find her
She's not there
Well, let me tell you about the way she looks
The way she acted, the colour of her hair
Her voice was soft and cool, her eyes were clear and bright
But she's not there
The lengthening of its neck, it's easier for it to swim.
Its front feet are a little bit larger,
and that's good, to have these paddlelike feet.
Hey, sister, oh, sister, soul sister, go, sister
Hey, sister, go, sister, soul sister, go, sister
We met marmalade down in old New Orleans...
Hey, Mitch!
You're awake.
Hey, Joe, you want to give it a go?
Yitti yitti ya ya da da
Uh-oh. You're seeping.
Here. Look at this.
Ow! Shit! Ohh!
Ow. That hurt like shit.
I know. That's why I distracted you first.
The same principle as deflowering virgins.
What? V-virg... What?
I read it in this Harold Robbins book.
A guy bites her on the ear,
distracts from the pain.
You ever try that?
No. I sock them in the jaw and yell, "Pop goes the weasel".
Who the fuck are you?
The name's Charly. The spy.
Nice to meet you.
Drink?
Yeah.
As you can see, things are still very crazy here,
but the sheriff has told me this:
There have been gunshots, and yes...
OK. Let's say I buy it.
You are a trained killer.
I can't even say that with a straight face.
So Samantha... she...
Never really existed.
Like Nathan said, she was a total fabrication.
I made her up.
So now she's just, uh, gone forever and ever?
Thank God.
Look at my inordinately large ass.
Look what she did to me.
Pretty convincing act.
I guess.
You know, her personality had to come from somewhere.
Change the subject.
Better yet, bring me that bottle.
Here you go. Drink up.
So, what's next? What do we do now?
I contact Chapter.
I come for debriefing, bury the last 8 years, get back to work.
Cheers.
Would you believe it, Harry?
We got an appropriations review in three weeks,
and the president wants to know
how I managed to lose an agent.
Yes, sir. You have a call on line 3, sir.
You going to tell me who it is?
Charly Baltimore, sir.
Run a trace.
This is Mr Perkins.
Turn on the TV. Farmon, New Jersey. Seven dead.
Charly! Good Lord, girl. We've been looking all over for you.
I got a photo of you in a Christmas parade.
What the hell is happening?
Don't be stupid. I completed my assignment.
You mean Daedalus?
I shot him. He's pretty much dead.
Actually, I would have done it earlier, like back in '92,
but I was baking. Don't ask.
I want to come in.
Sure. Of course.
Let me direct you to a safe house.
Forget it. We play it my way.
You want me back, then you stay away. I'll call you.
Those are the rules, understand?
Shit.
Did you hear that?
If she got to Daedalus,
she could know about Honeymoon.
She might know that old targets
have become your new best friends.
That could be trouble.
God damn you. There were weapons at that farm.
She's armed now!
Stop having kittens.
You're the head of a major spy network,
and you have a tendency to whine.
Do you realise that?
She could compromise this entire operation.
We have 24 hours.
We find her...
then we kill her.
You do whatever it takes, but you be careful.
If it gets out you're working for me,
I'm going to be grabbing my ankles on the White House lawn.
The lady's whacked, Trin. She's lost it.
I got to get out of here.
I need you to meet me. I'll sneak out to this phone
and call you at midnight with the details, all right?
Bye.
All right, Sam. What did that accomplish?
I'm testing our boy Perkins.
Got a light?
I don't really trust him.
Come again?
A little experiment.
If he was looking for me in Pennsylvania,
he sure as hell tapped your office.
You mean, he just traced that call?
Come midnight,
you hang by the phone.
If he wants to erase me, he'll send someone
to kidnap and torture you for my whereabouts,
in which case, I don't trust him.
No, no, no.
Time out.
Well, hello there
My, it's been a long, long time
I haven't had a date in eight years, Mitch.
Is this a fun date?
Oh, I guess I'm doing fine
What's going on?
True love. Shut the fuck up.
When beautiful...
white ladies seduce someone, call in help.
Get real, sweetheart.
I ain't handsome, I ain't rich,
and the last time I got blown,
candy bars cost a nickel.
What's going on?
Chemistry.
Chemistry, my ass.
You know what I think?
I think this is why you'd fuck me.
To kill a schoolteacher.
To bury her once and for all.
I kind of liked that schoolteacher.
When she comes back, you give me a call, all right?
And call your fucking kid.
It's two days to Christmas.
She might be under the mistaken impression Mommy gives a fuck.
I didn't ask for the kid.
Samantha had the kid, not me!
Nobody asked me!
Was born upon this day
To save us all from Satan's power
Oh, tidings of comfort...
Good evening, pretty lady.
How about some company?
No, thanks. I'm saving myself till I get raped.
Step in the alley.
I ain't asking you. I'm telling you.
Fuck.
God damn it.
You're early. So Perkins wants me dead, huh?
What's the rush?
Why don't you just go away and come back at midnight?
Shoo.
Hey, honey, this is a real big fucking gun.
This ain't no ham on rye, pal.
What the hell are you doing?
Saving your life.
I would have been here sooner,
but I was thinking up that ham on rye line.
You think I can't take him?
Now you scared the other ones away.
What other ones?
Head-hunters, nimrod. They don't travel alone.
Were you always this stupid,
or did you take lessons?
I took lessons.
- What?! - What?!
I still got this fucking gun.
Fuck this.
Put that away.
I'm out of here.
Say yeah, yeah, yeah
One look back now, baby
Say yeah, yeah, yeah
Perkins, you prick.
Now you want me dead. Why?
Easy, sport.
I got myself out of Beirut once.
I think I can get out of New Jersey.
Yeah? Don't be so sure.
Others have tried and failed.
The entire population, in fact.
Question:
You keep saying "I" this, "I" that, like, well...
It's like you don't need me any more.
Good point.
Say yeah, yeah, yeah
Whoa oh oh whoa
I'm going to love you
Going to love you in every way
In every way
Gonna love you in every way
I'm gonna love you
Gonna love you in every way
Get in.
Gonna love you in every way
I guess I'm just a stubborn kind of fellow
Got my mind made up to love you
Found a use for me, huh?
Yep.
I'm leaving the country, Mitch.
I need a fake passport, and I need money, lots of it.
Well, why didn't you say so?
Hold on a minute while I pull that out of my ass.
The key, Mitch. The one I keep on that charm bracelet?
It opens box 227 in a bank in Buffalo.
How the fuck would you know? The numbers are filed off.
I filed them off.
There's a briefcase in box 227.
It's got cash and I.D.s in it, Mitch.
I need you to get them for me.
Shit. I should have known.
OK. So where's this charm bracelet?
Yeah, well, that's the thing
about being a secret agent, Mitch.
Nothing is ever simple.
Drive past. Don't slow down.
You can park under those trees.
Honk if there's any trouble.
Yes'm, Miss Daisy. I be honking.
Good morning, Raymond.
Good morning, Miss Caine.
What have we learned about the dangers of smoking?
Give it here.
Thanks.
Tell anyone you saw me,
I'll blow your fucking head off.
Oh, hear the angel voices
O night divine
O night...
Oh, fuck.
Oh, shit.
Hi.
You're about to have
Oh, please...
Merry Christmas.
So how far to the money?
Hour, tops.
I haven't seen a cop in a while.
So, Mitch...
You stilI think I'm warm and fuzzy?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Anything?
Uh... phone bill, Christmas card...
You know, you could have aimed for those guys' shoulders.
Back off, man.
You know, I'm thinking maybe Samantha Caine wasn't an act.
Yeah, you had amnesia and all,
but I think maybe you forgot to hate yourself for a while.
How about it?
What the fuck is that?
Hello?
It's me. I got your kid.
Give your location. Don't waste time.
State road 5,
15 minutes east of Union Springs, New York.
I don't like cellular phones,
so here's how we do this.
Go to the Holiday Inn nearest you.
There's one in Cayuga.
Be there when I call in 15 minutes.
Who?
He's got the kid.
Timothy?
He's routing me to a land line.
He doesn't want to talk over the airwaves.
Oh, shit!
Maybe we can trace him.
Trace him? How? It's a random hotel.
How long did he give you?
15 minutes.
Fuck. Why don't we try the phone company?
Think you can get here in under 15 minutes?
Nobody move!
You.
You've got 40 seconds to run a patch for me.
Everybody up against the wall!
Holiday Inn. Jet speaking.
I'd like to page Charlene Baltimore, please.
Please hold.
Yeah.
Hi. It's me.
No shit. Verify you have the kid.
How else would I get your cellular number?
I got it off the cast on her right wrist,
right below "Mommy loves you".
I offer up a simple trade:
you for the girl.
I'll tell you where and when.
And, Charly, you fuck with me...
I'll blind the kid and shoot out her knees.
Give me an A.N.I. trace.
Do it!
How do you know so much about this Timothy character?
What do you think? I bumped pelvises with him.
He was a target, remember?
Ma'am?
That call was placed from Niagara Falls.
Niagara Falls?
Operation Honeymoon.
Bingo.
Perkins.
What's he doing here?
Timothy acting alone, we had a chance.
Charly's hooked.
All we got to do is set a time and a place.
My God. We're monsters.
You talk to me about honeymoon.
Tanker's ready.
One terrorist on ice waiting to play patsy.
And no loose ends?
No. No. Not that I can tell.
The feds are going to find them crashed in a ravine
five miles from the blast site.
I'm not a complete ogre.
The young one gets a doll to play with for Christmas.
Oh, fuck you.
I think I should go in first.
Negative.
You'd just screw it up.
Hey, I'm a much better shot up close.
You couldn't hit a lake if you were standing on the bottom.
Forget it.
Here.
The guards are at 126.9 Megahertz.
You meet me...
at 127.1 if you need to talk.
As soon as you spot me with the kid,
you start laying down cover fire.
All right.
They're going to blow my head off, you know.
This is the last time I'll ever be pretty.
Northeast sector, all clear.
Roger, Northeast.
Bogey.
Round her up, gentlemen.
I want her alive and unmarked.
She's got the kid!
I smell gasoline.
Did you have a little accident?
I got plenty of matches up here.
It would be a bad way for a kid to go.
30 seconds. Think it over.
Pick him up.
I'm going to miss you, Major.
You ought really to have stayed dead.
You don't know the rules of the game any more.
Tell me about it.
Eight years ago, this guy was on the hit list.
Budget cuts, dear.
Congress blinded us overseas.
I was forced to turn to any eyes and ears I could find,
even if that meant recruiting the "bad guys" here.
Budget cuts,
is that what this is about?
Operation Honeymoon... Fuck me!
You're running a fund-raiser.
Fund-raiser?
1993... World Trade Center bombing, remember?
During the trial, one of the bombers
claimed the CIA had advance knowledge.
The diplomat who issued the terrorists' visa was CIA.
It's not unthinkable they paved the way
for the bombing,
purely to justify a budget increase.
You're telling me you're going to fake some terrorist thing
just to scare some money out of Congress?
Unfortunately, Mr Henessey,
I have no idea how to fake killing 4,000 people,
so we're just going to have to do it for real.
it on the Muslims,
Then I get my funding.
Good night, old girl.
Timothy, I'll be in chopper one.
No, no, no. Just her.
Sam.
I'll be waiting for you to come rescue me.
Be just a minute.
So you plant this poor Arab to take the fall.
What's going out in the tanker?
Come on.
I'm going to die. I want to know.
OK. Chemical bomb.
Chain reaction.
Once started, it can't be stopped.
The catalyst injected into the tanker heats up.
We pull the truck into the centre of town.
It goes critical around midnight.
Farewell. Adieu. Bang.
Timothy.
Yeah?
Please... let my kid go.
I'm about all out of favours, there, Chuck.
I'm already letting while you freeze.
Now, they'll, uh...
They'll find your bodies somewhere in Pennsylvania.
You're just going to be written off as some crazy mommy
who kidnapped her own kid,
died with her in a blizzard.
God damn you.
Look at her eyes.
Why would I want to do that?
Because they're yours.
That night with you, I got pregnant.
The little girl is your daughter.
That's priceless.
Would you bring my little bitch in here?
Caitlin.
Hi, princess.
You mind if I take a look at your fuckin' eyes?
Hi, Caity. We're going to take a nap together.
We'll be like the bears in the winter.
Yeah. Bears. OK. Thank you. Thank you.
It ain't over.
You're going to die screaming.
And I'm going to watch.
Am I telling the truth?
Mommy, it's cold in here.
Shh! Just for a minute.
Polar bears, remember?
Open.
Step over there, sweetie.
Give me a spark!
Hi, Mitch. Sorry to keep you waiting.
For you, Tim,
always a pleasure to wait.
I want to tell you this story.
The Grinch, like a mean fucker...
Come on! Do it! Do it!
It being Christmas Eve, I'm going to give you a choice,
the knife...
or the gun.
Do it!
Mommy, don't cry.
I keep these here for lighting your candle.
Oh, Caity.
I love you.
You know, Sam called Washington.
By morning, this place will be crawling with feds.
We're going to be gone by then, Mitch.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
A couple of those feds, they said they couldn't sleep,
so they might come early.
That tanker goes bang at 312 degrees Celsius,
right in the centre of town,
25 minutes from now.
Mommy, am I going to die?
Oh, no, baby. No, you're not going to die.
They are.
Cover your ears.
Hey, should we get a dog?
Bye, Mitch.
Thanks for coming.
Oh, shit.
You foxy bitch.
Mommy!
Run, Caity!
Hide!
Caity!
Yeah, Sam, they don't know who they're fucking with.
Where the fuck is that kid going?
Shit.
Move it out!
And find that bitch!
All right, people, listen up.
Nothing changes.
Icy roads five miles past the town limit.
Plant the car in the ravine
and get your asses out of there.
Where'd you go, baby? Show Mommy.
Sam!
Sam, are you out there?
Sam, where are you?
Mitch. I don't believe it.
I just saw Caitlin climb in the back of the truck.
She's locked in the tool-box.
Jesus! The truck is a bomb!
Tell me something I don't know.
Timothy rigged it.
I'll go in and get her.
No chance.
I make it a dozen with automatic weapons.
So kill them for me, bitch. What are you good for?
OK, you can do this.
Mitch, no!
Just do one thing right.
Talk to me, Mitch.
Please.
Mitch!
God damn it.
Your 9, Mitch, on your 9.
30 degrees left, Mitch. Left.
Your other left.
Gracias.
De nada.
They got you flanked!
Mitch, get out now!
Mitch!
Move it out! Let's go!
OK, listen up.
She's going to make a try for the payload,
so units 2 and 4, watch your backs.
Sky one, get me a chopper in the air.
I'm on my way. Out.
Let me through.
Out!
Clear out of the way!
This truck's going to blow up!
Move!
Sir, she's got the truck.
She's headed out of town.
I'm hurt real bad. I think I'm dying.
Continue dying. Out.
Head her off, please.
Oh, fuck.
No! Oh, not fair!
Not fucking fair!
Get out of the way!
Hang on, Caity!
Suck my dick, every one of you bastards.
Oh, shit!
Oh, honey, only four inches?
You'll feel me.
No!
Mommy!
She must be in the truck.
Get away from her!
- Mom! - No!
No!
Help.
Caity.
Mommy, I hit my head.
Come on.
OK, hold on.
Caity, run. Get out.
Don't go away again, please.
The truck is a bomb.
It's going to blow up.
Go.
I'm right behind you, baby.
Go, and don't look back.
Good girl.
Here! Over here!
Mommy, no!
It's OK. I'm sorry I left.
Please get up.
Team one, we're in position
and ready to advance.
Charlie one, that's a negative.
Orders are to stand down until notified.
Would you stop it?
Stop being a little baby.
Get up now. You're not dead.
Don't you die! You get up now!
Life is pain!
You just get used to it!
So stand up right this minute, Mommy!
You're grounded.
Get me to the bridge!
I'm not leaving till I know that bitch is dead!
Somebody...
help me.
I got a kid here!
I got my 8-year-old daughter, do you hear me?
Somebody get this motherfucker off me!
Help me!
Negative, ma'am.
We understand your request, but...
That's right! You can't kill me, motherfuckers!
Sam!
Mitch.
Get in.
Sam. Sam.
Hey...
Stay here. Here!
I'm here!
Sam!
I'm here, you bastard!
Die screaming, motherfucker.
Don't let her get to the border!
Cut them off! They're heading for the border! Go!
Don't hit the cars!
Sorry.
I can't drive any more.
I can't.
You OK?
Are you stupid?
Hey, gorgeous.
You got your mommy's eyes.
Don't let nobody tell you different.
Hey, hang in there, partner.
Did you forget we're rich?
Hello.
Miss Caine, I'm putting your call through
to the president.
Hello, Miss Caine.
Yes, Mr President.
I owe you. The country owes you
a debt of tremendous gratitude.
I wonder, would I be out of line
if I asked you to come back into government,
work for the State Department?
Out of the question, sir.
I've got a stack of papers to grade.
The money involved would be...
substantial.
Oh, you'd be surprised how much a good teacher can earn.
Oh, gosh, I know.
And I am working on it,
but it's for next term.
Before I go, sir,
there is a small favour I'd like to ask.
Good evening. Welcome to Larry King Live.
Tonight we seek closure
in the matter of Leland Perkins,
indicted on six counts of high treason.
Joining us tonight is CIA section chief Walter Hodge.
He's in Langley, Virginia.
At our studios in New York City,
intelligence analyst Jack E. Wadsworth.
And in our studios here tonight
is Pittsburgh native Mitchell Henessey,
who, at a surprise press conference,
was singled out by the President of the United States
for his role in this affair.
As the expression goes, "That ain't hay".
Hello, Mitch, and thanks for coming.
Thank you, Mr King, for having me.
Mitch, you have had
one hell of a Christmas Eve,
and we have heard from our reporter Carla Krebs,
on the scene in Niagara Falls,
that when she first heard this story, she didn't believe it.
Well, what Carla failed to realise, Mr King,
is that I'm always frank and earnest with women.
In New York, I'm Frank.
In Chicago, I'm Earnest!
Good girl.
Yeah, I could just sit out here forever.
Couldn't you?
Free
Gotta be free
If you want to be like me
You gotta be free
Free
Flyin' high, I almost touched the sky
To look down on those below me
Flyin' high, I almost lived a lie
'Cept to those who really know me
Gettin' away with it
I'm gettin' away without losin' my head
No one even noticed
It will be a mystery
Soon I'll be forgotten
And I'm back to how I used to be
Free
Gotta be free
You gotta be fortunate
You gotta be lucky, now
I was just sittin' here
Thinkin' good and bad
But I'm the kind of woman
That was built to last
They tried erasin' me
They couldn't wipe out my past
To save my child, I'd rather go hungry
I've got all of Ethiopia inside of me
And my blood flows through every man
In this godless land that delivered me
I cried so many tears, even the blind could see
This is a woman's world
This is my world
This is a woman's world
For this man's girl
There ain't a woman in this world
Not a woman or little girl
That can't deliver love to a man's world
And my blood flows
Through every man and every child
In this godless land that delivered me
I cried so many tears, even the blind could see
Woman
This is a woman's world
This is my world
Woman
This is a woman's world
For this man's girl
Woman
There ain't a woman in this world
Not a woman or little girl
Woman
That can't deliver love in a man's world
Woman
Oh, this is a woman's world
Woman
Now, when I was a young boy
At the age of 5
My mother said I would be
The greatest man alive
But now I'm a man
I made 21
I want you to believe me, honey
We're having lots of fun
I'm a man
Yeah!
I'm a full-grown man
Oh, yeah!
I'm a man
Yeah!
I'm a rolling stone
I spell "M"
"A," child
"N"
That represent "Man"
Yeah! Yeah, yeah!
No "B"
"O," child
"Y"
That spell "mannish boy"
I'm a man
Yeah!
I'm a full-grown man
I'm a man
Yeah!
I'm a rolling stone
Oh, yeah